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I am retired and act as full time house husband. Update time : I knew mine was a BPD waif (covert not raging / silent treatment and headgames as standard) but I was in dating mode (so all was under control). For this reason it can be very healing to read the stories of other men who have broken up with women who have these traits. All of the negative behavior patterns we see within romantic relationships are addictive in nature. I appreciate the articles on this site, and I appreciate the comments sections just as much. I hate that i have made a child with her, cuz all she does it use my child against me to make me wanna stay. Its head spinning! She has said some terrible things. Its almost as if they are so trained in manipulation, its become second nature due to their subconscious. You can find even more stories on our Home page. Does your spouse often go very quickly from one emotion to another? It has been 3 yrs since all this defriending & delusional nonsense began yet her Facebook campaign against me is still going strong. The methods I teach give you language that allows an angry person to say what they need to but focuses them in a way that is not hurtful to the other person. A knowledgeable partner will address the issue in a skillful manner without making things worse by acting angrily or getting drawn in to the same behaviors and emotionality. The myth of the nice-guy type as an unhealthy or codependent individual creates an easy way out of dealing a social problem that needs some very serious public attention. Went from hero to zero in a flash. People who[struggle]with BPD have a tendency to fall quickly for people that show them even the slightest amount of attention and I think this movie hits the nail on the head. You are preaching to the converted. In line with previous research, Blanchard and her colleagues found that personality traits and wealth status were the most important factors in predicting dating appeal among female participants. At 31, I believe I am mellowing out. They are her way of saying to Brett I am afraid that you will lose interest in me and leave. Of course it didnt work out as you cant truly know someone after 6 months. I tried. They tend to experience constant longing for connection. Even the times where we agreed to see each other (plans she made too), she would most often cancel those plans without even so much as a sorry. Its nearly 5 months since she left, and I am still in crisis and fearful for my kids futures. Living With a Wife with Borderline Personality Disorder I hope some other (exs) partners etc can relate as I find it very helpful to read such things. Your comment is awaiting moderation. Or perhaps you know someone in this situation? What they tend to overlook is the fact that betrayal happens on a much more subtle level every day in all of our relationships. This film is heavy, so if you have triggers surrounding self-harm, substance abuse or childhood trauma, it might be a good one to skip, even though it does a good job depicting some classic untreated BPD symptoms and behaviors. Thank you so much for your insight into BPD relationships. Thanks for sharing your experience and your message of how important it is to try to disentangle from this kind of relationship earlier rather than later. I keep testing him to see if he really cares. One chil is old enough to have her own personality and my wife has been accusing her of breaking promises, but of course, to a 4 year old this is unfathomable. But its not outright manipulation. It gives instant relief to the upset person and opens communication channels. In some cases, they even have the advantage, Blanchard added. I finally have told my wife that I can not take the behavior any more, and that if she will not participate in professional help and recognize that her actions and behaviors cant continue like this, then our marriage will end. Because women with traits of BPD are not capable of withstanding any kind of betrayal, the nice-guy types ability to override selfish impulses and give to her consistently turns him into her perfect knight in shining armor. Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship, 3 Ways to Hold a Blame-Shifter Responsible, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, An Addiction Myth That Needs to Be Revisited, 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. The core of the problem is that their skill attainment has been stunted such that they do not know how to get what they want in a manner that preserves and enhances the relationship. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder She is incredibly afraid of confrontation. You can lead a great life with a sensitive, intense, hyperbolic or any temperament for that matter with hard work, grit, endurance, tenacity, and the willingness to get uncomfortable. Her reasons for splitting were such minimal things which you mentioned that they see it as something major! Colleen, Im glad to hear you are taking care of yourself and getting help. Does she have difficulty accepting if she doesnt get her way? I have not tried to have a relationship in a long time and I prefer to be an escort (and yes I am bpd with a very harsh childhood/early adulthood history). Because he believes in a world where everyone obeys the social rules of good behavior, he does not recognize that she is living in a world where although everyone talks about the rules, no one is actually capable of following them. Jump start your recovery today!--- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/rose-skeeters/support. Now as for BDP traits; they are uncontrollable!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you are struggling with borderline personality disorder and are in need of information and support, please call the National Alliance on Mental Illness at 1-800-950-6264. The sense of self is defined by what others want rather than personal choices, preferences, and perspectives. This causes individuals with symptoms of BPD to experience fear of being alone. Thank you for the quick reply. Herthought process begins to spiral and she ends up stalking this person. If you can get to that point, you can feel better and bring alittle piece in your life. As the months went on I believed it was more than that but she would never seek help. I posted on one of your other posts about the fact that I have recently broken up a three year relationship with a person who checks all the boxes and then some for BPD. Jump start your recovery today!--- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/rose-skeeters/support, Q & A Episode: "How do you get the energy to look for answers and not just stay in your room and indulge in self harm? I accepted her apology and believed her. Our first relationship ended in large part due to her believing I didnt want to marry her because there was a time where she thought I was going to propose but didnt (didnt know at the time). Ive found that most will realize that you care about them on some level but on the another they dont. Every item that you said, It looked like X about was accurate. There was a time during this period where I denied her of something and got offended by how mean she reacted. I wish to god I could help her but no amount of love and understanding will help someone that wont help themselves and fact is, very few get the help they need. They KNOW the person who cares about them but has good self-esteem is GONE if they are totally straight with you. The Nicola Method Workbook for Partners of High Conflict Women has been written to allow partners of women with traits of BPD to reverse these negative behaviors. This is so sad. This will cause you to revert back to just being yourself feeling they didnt hold up their end of the bargain. I only recommend these techniques when there is a long-term relationship or children involved or a financial crisis upon divorce. Why dont we acknowledge that men and women are sufferers from BPD at equal rates, but that in the past more women have been diagnosed with it than men because in our society its OK for men to ehibit anger and aggression? From the beginning things felt a little bit off, she said things like her life would have been perfect if only she had met me years before, non-boundaries, turning up at my work unannounced etc. Men are also designed to be providers. Taking accountability means putting aside your own selfish motives and sparing the feelings of those who make the mistake of hitching their wagons to these extremely damaged human beings. Having a pattern of unstable relationships often characterized by idealizing or devaluing a person (also known as black and white thinking or splitting). Please enter your username or email address to reset your password. It would certainly make a happy ending to tell a man recovering from a breakup with a woman with traits of BPD to be wiser in the future about his relationships. They can avoid being alone by seducing others and offering them sex in exchange for company. (the first time after my saying we should sort this amicably) . Dee, you are in a difficult position. My difficulty is this, at this time she refuses to receive treatment or even acknowledge either issue. This devalued her intelligence, sense of humor, and companionship. Her father cheated on her mother and her mother would share way too much information about it with her kids (she actually drove her kids around looking for her father while he was cheating and telling the kids what was going on). Steve, you are in a very difficult position. JT, they do have occasional moments of clarity and can express this kind of awareness, although most of the time their belief that their partner couldnt love them is more hidden or playing in the background of their consciousness. You will find that they will twist all arguments into being your fault and sometimes to the point of asking yourself am I really that stupid when it comes to women? But you will soon realize that if you address some of your flaws that are flaws but they are really overreacting to, they will jump on something else. This lack of social discernment coupled with the oversharing of intimate details can be typical struggles for folks with untreated BPD. But he had been developing a bit of a rebellious streak, no more so than I think many boys at his age go through. I put myself in my exs shoes through our entire relationship. Daniel S. Lobel, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Katonah, NY, as well as an Assistant Clinical Professor at Mount Sinai School of Medicine in the Department of Psychiatry. Mighty community member Kayla Z. said she related to amixture of the female characters in Silver Linings Playbook and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.. Instead, the emotions are acted out, like in the examples above. As a person with BPD I can safely assure you that we most certainly do not enter a relationship to con anyone! once i notice a pattern i think i can never fix or make right again i have to leave. I often wonder if she thinks there is something wrong with me because I put up with her. The woman with traits of BPD has a problem. Judge not lest you be judged. Check out this article for confirmation of this assertion: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/10/not-a-monster-destigmatizing-borderline-personality-disorder/ In this episode, Jay and I discuss why and how pride and arrogance play a role in recovery, the strength found in humility, and what you can do to begin becoming a more humble person today. Repeating of the cycle - the trigger. The fear of abandonment that most individuals with BPD experience is associated with feelings of helplessness and dependency. Probably. Wherein a person becomes only bad in her eyes and there is no convincing her otherwise. By the way, your website, blog, and materials are really great. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion. Something I am not sure someone like her is capable of without serious help. There is, however, a more ominous side to this seemingly perfect union. thanks again, PDF An Introduction to Co-Occurring Borderline Personality Disorder and However, their lack of experience and skill at regulating their emotions leaves them unable to control their negative impulses. To this day I still work with Rose and find that her insight, encouragement, and kindness continues to be a breath of fresh air. I first met her at work about 6 years ago. Please know that many people reading your comment are supporting you. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding. Claire, My kids are ages 7 and 9. I really like him and I know that we connected. yes am nice guy too and put up with all the crap like a fool ,I said sorry when I was not even in the wrong to keep peace and generally kiss ass , well I finally snapped and stormed round there and told her everything she is and what she does and said this is not working and lets call it a day and then thats when the tables turned lol, now she is kissing arse and doing what I was doing and she had the cheek to say Very rebellious like does stuff out of spite. But new research suggests that many men find traits associated with borderline personality disorder to be appealing in physically attractive women. But when I even approached this she would say dont devalue my thoughts and feelings. I found her adoring, caring, attractive, and communicative On the other hand, you feature dialogue techniques that help to assuage the out-of-control emotions and thoughts that plague such relationships and that help to develop a sense of trust and security in the BPD partner. Some are ready and able given the right partner mix, others still need to learn the hard way. This post will describe the typical effects that BPD symptoms have on female sexuality. My ex has had several relationships (about 12 so far) and does admit she knows there is something wrong but is in her own words too afraid to know. Oh dear. Thank you so much for giving me insight into this. For example, those high in psychopathic and borderline personality trait were described as someone who liked to flout the rules and was quite intense and a bit wild driving fast and taking drugs. They were also described as someone with a lot of relationship dramas who was anxious and self-critical.. I guess I wonder how she kept it together for 12 years before I entered the picture (though I know I am not the first man she has let into her and her sons life).