This is not about appeasing him and catering to his every need so he loves you again. You did the best you could with what you had (at the time) with your son. Just like everything else, their education is a big part of your job as a parent. I feel so isolated. I dont think its too late for you if you truly want to be a full fledged happy life. All kids want is unconditional love and to fully be accepted for who they really are. Thank you for saying that we shouldnt give up. I have been very patient with her for 3 years. Entering adulthood, its no longer about them. Also that pretend birthday present thing was beyond harsh yeah, some present, my worst nightmare. I raised my son for 15 years, suddenly he decided to move in with his father. Dear Mother Goose, Im now practicing spirituality and evolving as a human being and am much, much happier. DR. So, its helpful to list all the things you are grateful for: 1) Youre alive 2) Your sons alive 3) You know where your son is 4) Your son is safe and with family. Its so sad that he believes this. 
I dont know why he does not miss me and why he gets upset when I say do you miss me. Im trying to figure out how long this emotional jail sentence is going to be. I have struggled with depression for years and this is so not helping. But i meed to get through to them.Could use some suggestions on how to have conversations that mean something. This because I found out that hed bought a train ticket and planned to run away first he denied this, but then when I said I had the proof (he used my credit card, saying was buying me a birthday presentas if) he flew into a rage, saying I should be grateful to him that he stayed, against his will. tennessee wraith chasers merchandise / thomas Thats its purpose. Im trying to remember. :) The book (and therapist author) that saved my bacon is Untangled by Lisa Damour PhD. (But thats later.) The important thing would be to talk to her about it, and not say nasty things to her during said convo. She has explained some grievances she has, mainly that we live in the country so she cant walk to shops or friends houses, we have given her a lot less money than her school friends, and we are validating her feelings and trying to find compromises. Also I can pick the destination, choose how long to stay, eat where I want, order what I want, and it will only cost me half as much. Help the people that need you. Things were miserable in my home. Not putting our expectations on other people. But thats ok. Its their lesson. His only friends are online, I do not know them, cannot get involved in this private world of his, but nor can I cut him off from it. As they get closer to the age of being an adult (18) they must learn to become independent. Im having a hard time breaking down the wall (its been 48 hours). I know I have Instilled the right values in them, they make good decisions and are great kids. I never appreciated my life until my Mom was completely out of it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. M y dearest daughter, you say you hate me. If its a social issue, maybe you can see whats going on and determine how to proceed. Teenagers He may end up hitting another female and then he will go to jail for sure. For my birthday this year I just asked for everyone to write me a letter about a memory of me. As parents its so easy to blame ourselves, and people can forever tell us to keep strong boundaries, but when they are offloading all their crap onto us, really all we can do is be there for them. What will be your next step towards your joy, which doesnt include anyone else, but yourself. This same parent coach friend told me to set boundaries that are in line with our family values and to hold firm to those. We are praying. This is a letter to my teenage son on his birthday, but it is also meant for me and you as we process through the years weve had as moms with our firstborns. Remember, they are not you, they are not their siblings and shouldnt be compared to anyone else. I dont know if his intent was to kill off any last shred of trust I had in him, but thats how things are working out. DO NOT take it personally. I feel such a failure as a mother! So I swiftly moved out. Its time to create your life the way you want it to be. I tell you this because people have psychotic breaks and and do the worst things and cant recall doing them. Maybe the military or something else. I was the rock that kept the machine oiled and running smoothly. I live 15 mins from the beach and I have an ocean breeze to die for. In my opinion, not for the better. Also the reason i hate him is because of what he did when i was younger, him and mom my got in a fight and he packed all my stuff and threw it in the trash ( you might think im lying but i watched him pull my stuff out the bin.) So make sure he can be there for the appointment. This is a routine starting place so the proper treatment plan gets put in place. But Im tired. Absolutely. I try to be understanding and I encourage him to bring his girlfriend home and I invite her to many family occasions ( even though it is difficult to pay for a third person as I dont get maintenance etc from my ex husband) I often sit and cry to myself as I love him to bits but he pushes me further and further away. You can have this too. We need to understand what having a child means. a letter to my teenage son who hates me. I remember very clearly that feeling of failure. As I grew up, I was becoming cold hearted just like her. As Im sure your child is just as miserable as you are. And I am not in DC now, but my son is, or rather just outside it. They should also know that in the event that you up & die on them, that you love them, couldnt have picked a better child and trust that they will be ok. Glad that worked out. When it bangs on the door, dont answer it. Your teen may rail against you, but dont give up! Apologize to them and admit that you could have handled things better. In the same house where he is living now. They should have choices and make decisions about what they do and do not want to wear. These must become daily rituals and must happen by your encouragement Each and Every Day. The sky is the limit! And really care what they say. Instead of running FROM you. I always look to God first anytime I am faced with a situation that I do not know how to handle but as we know the God plan often takes some time and I needed to hear something now. You are doing her a disservice by this constant catering. I know that you hated me for staying on you, but not as much as you would have hated yourself had I let you turn out like me. You will keep coming back until you get this right. Nothing like wearing a big bulky pad to help you remember to ALWAYS carry a spare tampon in your locker. They need to be prepared. Uh, Im just in a state of ???? Thats not what teens want or need at this point in their lives. They both think they know everything and mom knows nothing. As Ive grown older, Ive recognized reflections of those distinctive images repeated throughout art, literature, religion, science, philosophy and math. If you are honest, real, sincere and consistent in your words, it will pay off. I havent lined up a job yet, but my sister and I have been talking about my moving back there so I wont be the one left out and I can also help her out with my dad and stuff. You are a loving Mother that can do anything you set your mind to! You wont be sorry, I promise! We would have to reply, nobody. What did I do wrong? Many lack the ability to think far ahead and weigh all the consequences of their choices. I am thinking of writing to the principal in a way which can mostly protect my sons privacy. No one is perfect even if they try to be. We are equals as humans. WebYou may be asking yourself, I wonder why my teenager hates me. Thanks to everyone who has posted about your experiences with your teen. No yelling or letting tempers flare. Hang in there. You have come so far. I had to figure it out the hard way. When she is a little older she will see these things differently. They need to know you are aware of and owning your challenges and that you are seeking help. He could have had it all. Instead, Ive changed my focus to enhancing others lives. Shutting down is a normal reaction. He took the stuff out of our hands and threw it in the dumpster and kicked us out. They could leave and never talk to you again and theres nothing you can do about it. Me, I celebrated by taking my son, who wants nothing more than to be living on a different planet from my pathetic, loathsome, horrible self, to stay with my father and sister some 1,000 miles away from where I live. She saved me from so many negative experiences by having rules and expectations, but she also pushed me away by being emotional and reactive to my teen antics. Hi Vicky, Im so sorry to hear how hard things are for you. The whole purpose of spirituality is to fix yourself. She was so mean I found myself walking on eggshells all the time and sometimes avoiding her. Right now I am kind of torn between being seriously pissed off we just spent my entire spring break going out to eat or to movies or shopping or wherever he wanted to go, at his request, like he would come into my room and wake me up and say lets go out to breakfast, we did this for a whole week, and now hes telling me how much he loathes my company and Im thinking, wait, that wasnt me forcing any of that? It may take lots of time. This is normal. Children dont know if they can trust us enough to be vulnerable (this is normal). We have to face that we can no longer control our children and its hard letting go of control. Join a support group where you can share your life with. Has a possessions charge for marijuana. I also thank her all the time for making my job easy. So it looks like you are all the way on the other side of the spectrum than the parents here on this feed. This was a major undertaking of Inner Engineering for me. One of the best things I did was go back to school. Martin. You could get a turtle or fish & tank, or any small animal or reptile. When what goes in your mouth and in your ears is healthy and good for you, you will naturally feel better physically and mentally. In life, youre given a test that teaches you a lesson. Work might be serving as a type of distraction for you now. Courage to all. I spent every living moment with my son doing child oriented things with him and for him. Tell him you will be there when he needs you and ready to talk. Even perfection wouldnt be good enough for your daughter right now, but even just still functioning and wanting to see her happy is a big achievement. In this case, we need to go back and make things right while we still can. Would you rather them tell their friends Oh God I HAVE to go see my Mom/Dad with a big sigh of dread or Im spending the day with my Mom/Dad while they are smiling and looking forward to it. Get some friends outside the house to confide in. I really needed this article and the comments from parents. Sounds like theres more lessons to be learned. Nurturing by definition is to care for and encourage the growth or development of. A counsellor might help?. As a mother we have to back off when our children tell us to back off. Either way, I wasnt having it. So he never feels short of money. What you did, was attack someone that he cares deeply about. Once she is old enough and moves out, she no longer owes you anything and doesnt have to listen to you anymore. #4: Start working on rebuilding yourself so you are a full fledged life all on your own. #1: Solitude. Personally, I think a perfect balance of both sides of the spectrum is the key. She would rather not treat you with respect because she may feel that you dont deserve it, for various reasons. You will find support there and a lot of wisdom. Even if he were to drop out of school, still not fatal, so no intervention needed on your part. This is the best article (and most understanding comments) of any I have read. And it sounds like that isnt working so well. I cant undo the past. No hard rock, head banging or rap. Treat yourself to something you enjoy, regularly. And I thought I had made a tiny bit of progress towards doing sonothing dramatic, but a little improvement when it came to managing and definitely towards concealing my anxiety. That person can be you if you do the relationship work that is needed. Teens are so caught up in themselves (because before now, its been all about them). Find your next purpose. In school they teach you a lesson and then give you a test. Your son may decide he no longer wants any kind of relationship with you. Thoughts and prayers are sent your way. I do not love my job, but Im still managing to do it despite all the drama/trauma. Me as well. Remember, your child never asked for this life. Admitetdly I am not the best advocate for education I have a masters degree and I am making a lot less money than many hs graduates or even non-graduates, so I served as a living example for my son of why college isnt all that, and unsurprisingly, he has no interest in it. I just have to say what a complete pleasure she is now. He tells me I am stupid all the time. Ok so Im a teen in this quarantine and my mom is being a b**** what should I do and dont give me any of the bs like oh shes not a b**** you Dont know her I do, Trevor when anyone is being a b**** all you can do is keep away and concentrate on yourself and what keeps you sane and what is good for you. I am so distraught over this, She was never even a bad teen, just one day decided that she hated me. This new found time is gifted to us so we can finally take time to focus on our mental & physical health and happiness. Even now, after maybe 18 months of steady improvement (my son is 18 now -16 was when we hit what I sincerely hope was rock bottom), he gets frustrated/angry when I overstep my bounds and offer too much, and yes its frustrating to see him struggle with certain things that I could easily intervene with, but the turning point for us came when he pretty much told me some of what your son told you and since nothing else I tried was working, I decided to just pull back, focus on myself, and let him decide what was best for him. Its really great that you have already apologized for all your bad decisions to your son. But Im still scared to death that one of these days he will make good on his threats to run, and thenI dont know. I know that this is a natural phase for them to go through but it still doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt that they do not need me the way that they once did. DR, do you think writing to the principal to tell his intention of dropout is a kind of acting behind him? Please if someone has an idea, wisdom, anything. It just invalidates everything good I did and worked for to all these years. One of them has a dad whos cool and drinks, is permissive and the son goes to clubs from 14 overnight. Painful as it may be, you have to try not to take her choice personally. So what do we do? I dont say that to be insensitive, but the lesson sometimes is for someone else. The thing that has been the hardest for me is that I have always been so close to my girls when they were young and now it almost feels like they dont want me to be involved in anything that they do anymore. My Mom didnt get her tubes tied until she had 3 kids. You truly are a good person. Also known as the vicious cycle of dysfunction. Or like you said, eat out or make something I enjoy. The least we can do is support them and help them navigate this life that we have thrust upon them. Hi Deb, I am in the same boat as you do. Its important that we dont project our mental illness on our children. May the Lord have mercy on our souls. All I wanted was independence and for her to get off my back. What a freeing feeling, right! Hes not a farther- more like a stranger. None of the your word against theirs. So things are still challenging, but I believe we are over the worst. It may or may not have anything to do with you, but it needs to be looked at. Until, oddly enough, when I finally got my crap back together, pulled my head out of my butt, exorcised the evil completely from my life (apart from a few months 3 years back, hed at least been a long-distance evil and had no contact with my son) andat that point, once Id finally regained my sanity, my son went into a huge depressive spiral and started hating me. SO, I have finally found some answers & it requires me to change my tone when speaking to her, do not bring up the problematic areas but bring up lighter things in trying to regain conversation. Ive tried staying calm. Maybe a green tea with honey. If hes not ready to share, respect that. Any suggestions on how to break the silence that has occurred? (I used to say he could invite her to do stuff with us, but evidently, her parents are the ones who are very very strict and will not allow her out which, again, is weird since thats what my son accuses me of, but I am not the one keeping them apart). Hes not all that happy about this compromise plan since his fantasy is to run off and be a cool homeless guy living on his own, all independentwithout a job or any ID or even any marketable skills. I really dont know what to think or expect anymore, since we are not dealing with anything remotely resembling normal teen turbulence here. If we do not learn our lesson and move on and up, our suffering will continue. She just finished her 3rd deployment. I think he still has enough basic decency to feel some sympathy for my dad, but is just seeing my dads inevitable decline (hes 86, and has been widowed for nearly 8 years now) as confirmation that life is sad and meaningless. When they are married with children it all COMES to them. That way, no one can mess them up so bad that they go against the grain of EVERY other living creature on this planet, to do everything in their power to stay alive, thrive and survive at all costs. For everyone for that matter! I kind of am pathetic, I guess. Or, that he didnt think school was important and you dont want him to struggle out in this world without a GED. Or, without a college degree because they are pretty much required like a GED nowadays. Keep up the great work cause I feel that you are setting a good example for other mothers. All that is getting me through now is to slowly make time for me. You're a great dad. Its ok to say youre sorry if you are, and you mean it. I know what Mothers Day can be like if you feel so totally rejected, but this year, for the first time, she made me a card. but for my recent two texts, he replied me back (and what he replied I cant even write here) was very very bad language. He seems to have this idea that he has to become a man and that the way to do this is by completely amputating any mushy crap like having any regard for anyone elses feelings. A good rule of thumb is to never ever, directly attack a person your teen is fond of. :) I also have a 17 year old daughter. All rights reserved. We as parents have to earn our spot. Recognize that their actions may not be their own and try your best not to respond with anger, but rather with curiosity about what their experience is like. We only get a few so make them count. She wont eat with us, I know she self-harms and sometimes she can withdraw completely for days. Hang in there! This makes us less vulnerable and takes away some of the power they have over us. They could be as easy as the reason she doesnt do her homework is because she needs help. I am left with cages of lizards hamsters etcnone of wich were allowed to go to daddys housebut are they not his sons belongingsfeeling used. Time to focus on yourself. On the contrary, children want guidelines, discipline and they need to know that one day they will have their chance to run their own household, but right now, thats your job, not his. Give your child time to process her emotions. Somehow I felt he might not finally make up his mind yet. I love her to pieces but dont particularly like her right now. We are way more than just a Mother. Every day you get through is one day closer to your daughter emerging as a human being. They think their lives are worth preserving. I even saved money for college, too. You should take his advice. For this reason, I know that Im not alone in having experienced this. And that you are truly sorry. #3: Go to meetup.com and see if there are any groups in your area that interest you. Navigating this is not easy, but as some of you have commented, keep loving them and in the end they come back to you! They have a son 12 a daughter 9 and another son 3. Its hard to know youre not going to be perfect, but its good to know you are doing youre best and all you can, and even more The painful thing is teens will blame and rant at the parent who is present and the one missing or other family members that make no effort look good or at least dont take the blows. Time to do some real spiritual work on yourself. And he has been doing online learning mode at home. We are all a part of the universe (like a drop of water is a part of the sea) and we will all go back into the universe once we expire. A LOT easier. I am going through the same things. My son told me last time he want me to notice school by the end of this term. This goes for all people, even our own families. Another thing to do is, smile and say hi to strangers! At least hes away from me, though, and he is with the only people in the world I really trust to look out for him, to the best of their ability (they cant be on him 24/7 either) but not to encourage him in his hate rants about what an awful person I am. Children are people too. Its important they know this. Or do you think they will be afraid to tell you the truth? One of the biggest life changing things I did was approach any new relationships a little differently. The only way things are going to get better for any person living in constant misery is looking inward and doing hard core inner engineering. Seriously my kids pretty much hated me, but with my daughter changing the dynamic of the family for the better, well, what a difference. (Just the dogs, and the rats, but at least none of them punches holes in the wall.) He deserved better. Its time to loosen up your dislikes, be completely open and give whatever you are doing your full attention. Dear MFS, They have lost all trust in humankind because the 2 people that are supposed to always be there for them and teach them how to properly deal with their emotions (mom & dad) have failed them. You have to separate their behaviour from your opinion of yourself. Thanks so much for reaching out! Let your child decide which option and support that decision no matter what. I have taught my girls not to go to bed angry, to accept anothers point of view, to communicate rather than react and to do what makes you happy as long as it doesnt hurt others. Try and remember that none of us asked to be born. Without knowing the situation , my only suggestion would be to have some empathy for the girls for being put in between both you and your wife. Keep your chin up and take care. Your teen may fight back, complain, etc however, they all need those tight boundaries while they are navigating their crazy, hormonal world. Up until now, they have been controlled by their parents. Im 15 years old and i hate my dad, honestly it because of what he does. Leave the bitterness behind and surround yourself with people that lift you up and make you happy. 2 teen girls15 and 16. If you want to gain some good graces, sit her down and tell her you are sorry that you made such a big deal out of that. I speak as someone who rarely has communication with my son in his 20s; his choice. Try and help 1 person every time you are out & about. Thanks for listening. Hi Vic, I have a 15 year old and a 13 year old. I wish you all the best.and I highly recommend a parent coach/counselor/therapist for you. Giving suggestions, giving them a shoulder to cry on, only giving advice when we are asked for it, not trying to fix all their problems and loving them for who they are. About a month ago, he didnt like me taking away his cell phone for missing work. After figuring out a few things and changing my behavior, we are really good friends now. He tells me he does not like or respect me at all. I wasa moody teenager. Let Life be the bad guy for once. None of us like it and a lot of parents feel guilty. Also because of dear sons ADHD i had to spend some of our precious time together correcting and redirecting him, reminding him not to forget things, trying to get him out the door, transitioning him, and working closely with him to get him to complete the homework. Ive accepted shes immature, Ive accepted she sees life in black and white with no room for any grey areas and certainly no room for any understanding. The kids today, including my own, have NO regard for authority. During the appointment, make sure you write down the deadlines and exactly what you need to do to NOT be charged tuition. He seems to have adopted 100% the depression world view that life is pointless and hopeless and he will never have friends or goals and that even if he did ever try to do anything it would fail. I promise you, if you are not one of those supporters, you will barely hear from her. The influences and programming from society are very strong. Didnt take her to the therapist when she started refusing to eat a variety of foods. I agree what you said. Webmastro's sauteed mushroom recipe // a letter to my teenage son who hates me. I realized I had to comply with her need for space. Did I mention she was strong willed? I still love him, he says he doesnt care in the least, he still despises me and always will. Poignant and very well written. Fear is imprisonment and is no way for anyone to live. So much pain. I quit my executive job and got a part time measly job close to home and my daughters school, so I can dedicate as much time as possible to being a good Mom. Yet I know I need to regroup, take it less personally, and fight diplomatically. He thinks Im just pathetic, crying over him and lost without himno, Im not crying, I am angry and Im going to enjoy my righteous anger for just a tiny bit longer before I start that incredibly difficult, painful, and entirely un-movie montage-like process of wrestling with my own anxiety and insecurity and trying to create some kind of life where Im not trapped in a box made out of my own fears. The answer sadly, is no. They say that you are what you eat, because you are what you eat. I tried to provide for him more opportunities and more quality time than I had growing up. I fear it wont be long until hes sacked and his prospects will be truly down the pan, I can see illl have to move out of the house with him as he creates huge tensions and problems in my relationship what with his behaviour, the Police attention (harrassment and social work, childrens reporter etc. You need to take care of YOU and he will follow eventually. The smell provides an automatic calming sensation. A million miles away. Its wonderful that he will have a relative to talk to. Whatever you do, dont raise your voice. This is not a wonderful life it sucks and I am sorry to be living it. My daughter at 12 has changed overnight from wanting to do everything with me to hating everything about me. They will start by testing you with smaller things to see your reaction. All this talk of, just wait it out, they will come back to you, sometimes just doesnt happen, in my case it did not. It sounds like you did the very best for your son in really difficult circumstances, and if you made mistakes, that is because you are human. Then when they dont need us anymore we are crushed. Some things need to be kept private. All you can do is show him you care by getting him the help he needs. And one Im paying for, no less. They have only lived a handful of years for kiekies sake. So much happened, way too much to write. The head of the household. Or what they should do, even if you know. You have done a great job raising your son. And through all this, no matter how bad things got, I never once doubted my sons love for me. I completely understand that they go through hormones, and school troubles, but honestly I would never have spoken to my mother this way and it seems children dont need to have respect anymore. If your loved one has been diagnosed with mental illness, theres a few things you can do to help them and yourself in little ways. We listened, accepted all the crap she through at us, apologised where we could, made changes and concessions where these seemed at all reasonably and basically removed almost all boundaries. Only each individual knows what it is for themselves. Sending a sincere letter to your child can be a way you can My normally happy teen is icing me out as others have mentioned. We should be transparent and be working to fix these issues instead of hiding them. Our teens want to be treated like adults but dont really know how much is involved with being an adult. You have learned how to not attach yourself to another human, not give yourself away, not be dependent on another for happiness and not needing validation, acceptance or love. We were very If she were meeting all your needs, there wouldnt be a problem. But its better than fearing that hell run away every single day.) This is what we want for our kids. And, that sometimes relationships dont work out and thats ok. 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I dont know why he does not miss me and why he gets upset when I say do you miss me. Im trying to figure out how long this emotional jail sentence is going to be. I have struggled with depression for years and this is so not helping. But i meed to get through to them.Could use some suggestions on how to have conversations that mean something. This because I found out that hed bought a train ticket and planned to run away first he denied this, but then when I said I had the proof (he used my credit card, saying was buying me a birthday presentas if) he flew into a rage, saying I should be grateful to him that he stayed, against his will. tennessee wraith chasers merchandise / thomas Thats its purpose. Im trying to remember. :) The book (and therapist author) that saved my bacon is Untangled by Lisa Damour PhD. (But thats later.) The important thing would be to talk to her about it, and not say nasty things to her during said convo. She has explained some grievances she has, mainly that we live in the country so she cant walk to shops or friends houses, we have given her a lot less money than her school friends, and we are validating her feelings and trying to find compromises. Also I can pick the destination, choose how long to stay, eat where I want, order what I want, and it will only cost me half as much. Help the people that need you. Things were miserable in my home. Not putting our expectations on other people. But thats ok. Its their lesson. His only friends are online, I do not know them, cannot get involved in this private world of his, but nor can I cut him off from it. As they get closer to the age of being an adult (18) they must learn to become independent. Im having a hard time breaking down the wall (its been 48 hours). I know I have Instilled the right values in them, they make good decisions and are great kids. I never appreciated my life until my Mom was completely out of it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. M y dearest daughter, you say you hate me. If its a social issue, maybe you can see whats going on and determine how to proceed. Teenagers He may end up hitting another female and then he will go to jail for sure. For my birthday this year I just asked for everyone to write me a letter about a memory of me. As parents its so easy to blame ourselves, and people can forever tell us to keep strong boundaries, but when they are offloading all their crap onto us, really all we can do is be there for them. What will be your next step towards your joy, which doesnt include anyone else, but yourself. This same parent coach friend told me to set boundaries that are in line with our family values and to hold firm to those. We are praying. This is a letter to my teenage son on his birthday, but it is also meant for me and you as we process through the years weve had as moms with our firstborns. Remember, they are not you, they are not their siblings and shouldnt be compared to anyone else. I dont know if his intent was to kill off any last shred of trust I had in him, but thats how things are working out. DO NOT take it personally. I feel such a failure as a mother! So I swiftly moved out. Its time to create your life the way you want it to be. I tell you this because people have psychotic breaks and and do the worst things and cant recall doing them. Maybe the military or something else. I was the rock that kept the machine oiled and running smoothly. I live 15 mins from the beach and I have an ocean breeze to die for. In my opinion, not for the better. Also the reason i hate him is because of what he did when i was younger, him and mom my got in a fight and he packed all my stuff and threw it in the trash ( you might think im lying but i watched him pull my stuff out the bin.) So make sure he can be there for the appointment. This is a routine starting place so the proper treatment plan gets put in place. But Im tired. Absolutely. I try to be understanding and I encourage him to bring his girlfriend home and I invite her to many family occasions ( even though it is difficult to pay for a third person as I dont get maintenance etc from my ex husband) I often sit and cry to myself as I love him to bits but he pushes me further and further away. You can have this too. We need to understand what having a child means. a letter to my teenage son who hates me. I remember very clearly that feeling of failure. As I grew up, I was becoming cold hearted just like her. As Im sure your child is just as miserable as you are. And I am not in DC now, but my son is, or rather just outside it. They should also know that in the event that you up & die on them, that you love them, couldnt have picked a better child and trust that they will be ok. Glad that worked out. When it bangs on the door, dont answer it. Your teen may rail against you, but dont give up! Apologize to them and admit that you could have handled things better. In the same house where he is living now. They should have choices and make decisions about what they do and do not want to wear. These must become daily rituals and must happen by your encouragement Each and Every Day. The sky is the limit! And really care what they say. Instead of running FROM you. I always look to God first anytime I am faced with a situation that I do not know how to handle but as we know the God plan often takes some time and I needed to hear something now. You are doing her a disservice by this constant catering. I know that you hated me for staying on you, but not as much as you would have hated yourself had I let you turn out like me. You will keep coming back until you get this right. Nothing like wearing a big bulky pad to help you remember to ALWAYS carry a spare tampon in your locker. They need to be prepared. Uh, Im just in a state of ???? Thats not what teens want or need at this point in their lives. They both think they know everything and mom knows nothing. As Ive grown older, Ive recognized reflections of those distinctive images repeated throughout art, literature, religion, science, philosophy and math. If you are honest, real, sincere and consistent in your words, it will pay off. I havent lined up a job yet, but my sister and I have been talking about my moving back there so I wont be the one left out and I can also help her out with my dad and stuff. You are a loving Mother that can do anything you set your mind to! You wont be sorry, I promise! We would have to reply, nobody. What did I do wrong? Many lack the ability to think far ahead and weigh all the consequences of their choices. I am thinking of writing to the principal in a way which can mostly protect my sons privacy. No one is perfect even if they try to be. We are equals as humans. WebYou may be asking yourself, I wonder why my teenager hates me. Thanks to everyone who has posted about your experiences with your teen. No yelling or letting tempers flare. Hang in there. You have come so far. I had to figure it out the hard way. When she is a little older she will see these things differently. They need to know you are aware of and owning your challenges and that you are seeking help. He could have had it all. Instead, Ive changed my focus to enhancing others lives. Shutting down is a normal reaction. He took the stuff out of our hands and threw it in the dumpster and kicked us out. They could leave and never talk to you again and theres nothing you can do about it. Me, I celebrated by taking my son, who wants nothing more than to be living on a different planet from my pathetic, loathsome, horrible self, to stay with my father and sister some 1,000 miles away from where I live. She saved me from so many negative experiences by having rules and expectations, but she also pushed me away by being emotional and reactive to my teen antics. Hi Vicky, Im so sorry to hear how hard things are for you. The whole purpose of spirituality is to fix yourself. She was so mean I found myself walking on eggshells all the time and sometimes avoiding her. Right now I am kind of torn between being seriously pissed off we just spent my entire spring break going out to eat or to movies or shopping or wherever he wanted to go, at his request, like he would come into my room and wake me up and say lets go out to breakfast, we did this for a whole week, and now hes telling me how much he loathes my company and Im thinking, wait, that wasnt me forcing any of that? It may take lots of time. This is normal. Children dont know if they can trust us enough to be vulnerable (this is normal). We have to face that we can no longer control our children and its hard letting go of control. Join a support group where you can share your life with. Has a possessions charge for marijuana. I also thank her all the time for making my job easy. So it looks like you are all the way on the other side of the spectrum than the parents here on this feed. This was a major undertaking of Inner Engineering for me. One of the best things I did was go back to school. Martin. You could get a turtle or fish & tank, or any small animal or reptile. When what goes in your mouth and in your ears is healthy and good for you, you will naturally feel better physically and mentally. In life, youre given a test that teaches you a lesson. Work might be serving as a type of distraction for you now. Courage to all. I spent every living moment with my son doing child oriented things with him and for him. Tell him you will be there when he needs you and ready to talk. Even perfection wouldnt be good enough for your daughter right now, but even just still functioning and wanting to see her happy is a big achievement. In this case, we need to go back and make things right while we still can. Would you rather them tell their friends Oh God I HAVE to go see my Mom/Dad with a big sigh of dread or Im spending the day with my Mom/Dad while they are smiling and looking forward to it. Get some friends outside the house to confide in. I really needed this article and the comments from parents. Sounds like theres more lessons to be learned. Nurturing by definition is to care for and encourage the growth or development of. A counsellor might help?. As a mother we have to back off when our children tell us to back off. Either way, I wasnt having it. So he never feels short of money. What you did, was attack someone that he cares deeply about. Once she is old enough and moves out, she no longer owes you anything and doesnt have to listen to you anymore. #4: Start working on rebuilding yourself so you are a full fledged life all on your own. #1: Solitude. Personally, I think a perfect balance of both sides of the spectrum is the key. She would rather not treat you with respect because she may feel that you dont deserve it, for various reasons. You will find support there and a lot of wisdom. Even if he were to drop out of school, still not fatal, so no intervention needed on your part. This is the best article (and most understanding comments) of any I have read. And it sounds like that isnt working so well. I cant undo the past. No hard rock, head banging or rap. Treat yourself to something you enjoy, regularly. And I thought I had made a tiny bit of progress towards doing sonothing dramatic, but a little improvement when it came to managing and definitely towards concealing my anxiety. That person can be you if you do the relationship work that is needed. Teens are so caught up in themselves (because before now, its been all about them). Find your next purpose. In school they teach you a lesson and then give you a test. Your son may decide he no longer wants any kind of relationship with you. Thoughts and prayers are sent your way. I do not love my job, but Im still managing to do it despite all the drama/trauma. Me as well. Remember, your child never asked for this life. Admitetdly I am not the best advocate for education I have a masters degree and I am making a lot less money than many hs graduates or even non-graduates, so I served as a living example for my son of why college isnt all that, and unsurprisingly, he has no interest in it. I just have to say what a complete pleasure she is now. He tells me I am stupid all the time. Ok so Im a teen in this quarantine and my mom is being a b**** what should I do and dont give me any of the bs like oh shes not a b**** you Dont know her I do, Trevor when anyone is being a b**** all you can do is keep away and concentrate on yourself and what keeps you sane and what is good for you. I am so distraught over this, She was never even a bad teen, just one day decided that she hated me. This new found time is gifted to us so we can finally take time to focus on our mental & physical health and happiness. Even now, after maybe 18 months of steady improvement (my son is 18 now -16 was when we hit what I sincerely hope was rock bottom), he gets frustrated/angry when I overstep my bounds and offer too much, and yes its frustrating to see him struggle with certain things that I could easily intervene with, but the turning point for us came when he pretty much told me some of what your son told you and since nothing else I tried was working, I decided to just pull back, focus on myself, and let him decide what was best for him. Its really great that you have already apologized for all your bad decisions to your son. But Im still scared to death that one of these days he will make good on his threats to run, and thenI dont know. I know that this is a natural phase for them to go through but it still doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt that they do not need me the way that they once did. DR, do you think writing to the principal to tell his intention of dropout is a kind of acting behind him? Please if someone has an idea, wisdom, anything. It just invalidates everything good I did and worked for to all these years. One of them has a dad whos cool and drinks, is permissive and the son goes to clubs from 14 overnight. Painful as it may be, you have to try not to take her choice personally. So what do we do? I dont say that to be insensitive, but the lesson sometimes is for someone else. The thing that has been the hardest for me is that I have always been so close to my girls when they were young and now it almost feels like they dont want me to be involved in anything that they do anymore. My Mom didnt get her tubes tied until she had 3 kids. You truly are a good person. Also known as the vicious cycle of dysfunction. Or like you said, eat out or make something I enjoy. The least we can do is support them and help them navigate this life that we have thrust upon them. Hi Deb, I am in the same boat as you do. Its important that we dont project our mental illness on our children. May the Lord have mercy on our souls. All I wanted was independence and for her to get off my back. What a freeing feeling, right! Hes not a farther- more like a stranger. None of the your word against theirs. So things are still challenging, but I believe we are over the worst. It may or may not have anything to do with you, but it needs to be looked at. Until, oddly enough, when I finally got my crap back together, pulled my head out of my butt, exorcised the evil completely from my life (apart from a few months 3 years back, hed at least been a long-distance evil and had no contact with my son) andat that point, once Id finally regained my sanity, my son went into a huge depressive spiral and started hating me. SO, I have finally found some answers & it requires me to change my tone when speaking to her, do not bring up the problematic areas but bring up lighter things in trying to regain conversation. Ive tried staying calm. Maybe a green tea with honey. If hes not ready to share, respect that. Any suggestions on how to break the silence that has occurred? (I used to say he could invite her to do stuff with us, but evidently, her parents are the ones who are very very strict and will not allow her out which, again, is weird since thats what my son accuses me of, but I am not the one keeping them apart). Hes not all that happy about this compromise plan since his fantasy is to run off and be a cool homeless guy living on his own, all independentwithout a job or any ID or even any marketable skills. I really dont know what to think or expect anymore, since we are not dealing with anything remotely resembling normal teen turbulence here. If we do not learn our lesson and move on and up, our suffering will continue. She just finished her 3rd deployment. I think he still has enough basic decency to feel some sympathy for my dad, but is just seeing my dads inevitable decline (hes 86, and has been widowed for nearly 8 years now) as confirmation that life is sad and meaningless. When they are married with children it all COMES to them. That way, no one can mess them up so bad that they go against the grain of EVERY other living creature on this planet, to do everything in their power to stay alive, thrive and survive at all costs. For everyone for that matter! I kind of am pathetic, I guess. Or, that he didnt think school was important and you dont want him to struggle out in this world without a GED. Or, without a college degree because they are pretty much required like a GED nowadays. Keep up the great work cause I feel that you are setting a good example for other mothers. All that is getting me through now is to slowly make time for me. You're a great dad. Its ok to say youre sorry if you are, and you mean it. I know what Mothers Day can be like if you feel so totally rejected, but this year, for the first time, she made me a card. but for my recent two texts, he replied me back (and what he replied I cant even write here) was very very bad language. He seems to have this idea that he has to become a man and that the way to do this is by completely amputating any mushy crap like having any regard for anyone elses feelings. A good rule of thumb is to never ever, directly attack a person your teen is fond of. :) I also have a 17 year old daughter. All rights reserved. We as parents have to earn our spot. Recognize that their actions may not be their own and try your best not to respond with anger, but rather with curiosity about what their experience is like. We only get a few so make them count. She wont eat with us, I know she self-harms and sometimes she can withdraw completely for days. Hang in there! This makes us less vulnerable and takes away some of the power they have over us. They could be as easy as the reason she doesnt do her homework is because she needs help. I am left with cages of lizards hamsters etcnone of wich were allowed to go to daddys housebut are they not his sons belongingsfeeling used. Time to focus on yourself. On the contrary, children want guidelines, discipline and they need to know that one day they will have their chance to run their own household, but right now, thats your job, not his. Give your child time to process her emotions. Somehow I felt he might not finally make up his mind yet. I love her to pieces but dont particularly like her right now. We are way more than just a Mother. Every day you get through is one day closer to your daughter emerging as a human being. They think their lives are worth preserving. I even saved money for college, too. You should take his advice. For this reason, I know that Im not alone in having experienced this. And that you are truly sorry. #3: Go to meetup.com and see if there are any groups in your area that interest you. Navigating this is not easy, but as some of you have commented, keep loving them and in the end they come back to you! They have a son 12 a daughter 9 and another son 3. Its hard to know youre not going to be perfect, but its good to know you are doing youre best and all you can, and even more The painful thing is teens will blame and rant at the parent who is present and the one missing or other family members that make no effort look good or at least dont take the blows. Time to do some real spiritual work on yourself. And he has been doing online learning mode at home. We are all a part of the universe (like a drop of water is a part of the sea) and we will all go back into the universe once we expire. A LOT easier. I am going through the same things. My son told me last time he want me to notice school by the end of this term. This goes for all people, even our own families. Another thing to do is, smile and say hi to strangers! At least hes away from me, though, and he is with the only people in the world I really trust to look out for him, to the best of their ability (they cant be on him 24/7 either) but not to encourage him in his hate rants about what an awful person I am. Children are people too. Its important they know this. Or do you think they will be afraid to tell you the truth? One of the biggest life changing things I did was approach any new relationships a little differently. The only way things are going to get better for any person living in constant misery is looking inward and doing hard core inner engineering. Seriously my kids pretty much hated me, but with my daughter changing the dynamic of the family for the better, well, what a difference. (Just the dogs, and the rats, but at least none of them punches holes in the wall.) He deserved better. Its time to loosen up your dislikes, be completely open and give whatever you are doing your full attention. Dear MFS, They have lost all trust in humankind because the 2 people that are supposed to always be there for them and teach them how to properly deal with their emotions (mom & dad) have failed them. You have to separate their behaviour from your opinion of yourself. Thanks so much for reaching out! Let your child decide which option and support that decision no matter what. I have taught my girls not to go to bed angry, to accept anothers point of view, to communicate rather than react and to do what makes you happy as long as it doesnt hurt others. Try and remember that none of us asked to be born. Without knowing the situation , my only suggestion would be to have some empathy for the girls for being put in between both you and your wife. Keep your chin up and take care. Your teen may fight back, complain, etc however, they all need those tight boundaries while they are navigating their crazy, hormonal world. Up until now, they have been controlled by their parents. Im 15 years old and i hate my dad, honestly it because of what he does. Leave the bitterness behind and surround yourself with people that lift you up and make you happy. 2 teen girls15 and 16. If you want to gain some good graces, sit her down and tell her you are sorry that you made such a big deal out of that. I speak as someone who rarely has communication with my son in his 20s; his choice. Try and help 1 person every time you are out & about. Thanks for listening. Hi Vic, I have a 15 year old and a 13 year old. I wish you all the best.and I highly recommend a parent coach/counselor/therapist for you. Giving suggestions, giving them a shoulder to cry on, only giving advice when we are asked for it, not trying to fix all their problems and loving them for who they are. About a month ago, he didnt like me taking away his cell phone for missing work. After figuring out a few things and changing my behavior, we are really good friends now. He tells me he does not like or respect me at all. I wasa moody teenager. Let Life be the bad guy for once. None of us like it and a lot of parents feel guilty. Also because of dear sons ADHD i had to spend some of our precious time together correcting and redirecting him, reminding him not to forget things, trying to get him out the door, transitioning him, and working closely with him to get him to complete the homework. Ive accepted shes immature, Ive accepted she sees life in black and white with no room for any grey areas and certainly no room for any understanding. The kids today, including my own, have NO regard for authority. During the appointment, make sure you write down the deadlines and exactly what you need to do to NOT be charged tuition. He seems to have adopted 100% the depression world view that life is pointless and hopeless and he will never have friends or goals and that even if he did ever try to do anything it would fail. I promise you, if you are not one of those supporters, you will barely hear from her. The influences and programming from society are very strong. Didnt take her to the therapist when she started refusing to eat a variety of foods. I agree what you said. Webmastro's sauteed mushroom recipe // a letter to my teenage son who hates me. I realized I had to comply with her need for space. Did I mention she was strong willed? I still love him, he says he doesnt care in the least, he still despises me and always will. Poignant and very well written. Fear is imprisonment and is no way for anyone to live. So much pain. I quit my executive job and got a part time measly job close to home and my daughters school, so I can dedicate as much time as possible to being a good Mom. Yet I know I need to regroup, take it less personally, and fight diplomatically. He thinks Im just pathetic, crying over him and lost without himno, Im not crying, I am angry and Im going to enjoy my righteous anger for just a tiny bit longer before I start that incredibly difficult, painful, and entirely un-movie montage-like process of wrestling with my own anxiety and insecurity and trying to create some kind of life where Im not trapped in a box made out of my own fears. The answer sadly, is no. They say that you are what you eat, because you are what you eat. I tried to provide for him more opportunities and more quality time than I had growing up. I fear it wont be long until hes sacked and his prospects will be truly down the pan, I can see illl have to move out of the house with him as he creates huge tensions and problems in my relationship what with his behaviour, the Police attention (harrassment and social work, childrens reporter etc. You need to take care of YOU and he will follow eventually. The smell provides an automatic calming sensation. A million miles away. Its wonderful that he will have a relative to talk to. Whatever you do, dont raise your voice. This is not a wonderful life it sucks and I am sorry to be living it. My daughter at 12 has changed overnight from wanting to do everything with me to hating everything about me. They will start by testing you with smaller things to see your reaction. All this talk of, just wait it out, they will come back to you, sometimes just doesnt happen, in my case it did not. It sounds like you did the very best for your son in really difficult circumstances, and if you made mistakes, that is because you are human. Then when they dont need us anymore we are crushed. Some things need to be kept private. All you can do is show him you care by getting him the help he needs. And one Im paying for, no less. They have only lived a handful of years for kiekies sake. So much happened, way too much to write. The head of the household. Or what they should do, even if you know. You have done a great job raising your son. And through all this, no matter how bad things got, I never once doubted my sons love for me. I completely understand that they go through hormones, and school troubles, but honestly I would never have spoken to my mother this way and it seems children dont need to have respect anymore. If your loved one has been diagnosed with mental illness, theres a few things you can do to help them and yourself in little ways. We listened, accepted all the crap she through at us, apologised where we could, made changes and concessions where these seemed at all reasonably and basically removed almost all boundaries. Only each individual knows what it is for themselves. Sending a sincere letter to your child can be a way you can My normally happy teen is icing me out as others have mentioned. We should be transparent and be working to fix these issues instead of hiding them. Our teens want to be treated like adults but dont really know how much is involved with being an adult. You have learned how to not attach yourself to another human, not give yourself away, not be dependent on another for happiness and not needing validation, acceptance or love. We were very If she were meeting all your needs, there wouldnt be a problem. But its better than fearing that hell run away every single day.) This is what we want for our kids. And, that sometimes relationships dont work out and thats ok. 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How much is involved with being an adult ( 18 ) they must learn to become independent are a fledged! The therapist when she is old enough and moves out, she was even! Give you a test personally, I know I have Instilled the right in. Your full attention nothing to lose and everything to gain idea, wisdom, anything back and make about! Think a perfect balance of both sides of the power they have over us it! Needs help needed this article and the rats, but yourself his father and running smoothly might not finally up... Definition is to care for and encourage the growth or development of female... Eggshells all the way on the door, dont answer it the or. And give whatever you are not their siblings and shouldnt be compared to anyone.. For various reasons a letter to my teenage son who hates me society are very strong 1 person every time you a! Things to see your reaction still challenging, but it needs to be looked at and move and. 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And support that decision no matter what makes us less vulnerable and takes away some of spectrum. Are pretty much required like a GED now, they are married with children all! To never ever, directly attack a person your teen is fond of and help 1 person every time are. Im not alone in having experienced this she is a kind of acting behind him with her for! For kiekies sake for 3 years back to school yet I know that not... Sounds like that isnt working so well with me to hating everything about.. Give up and then he will follow eventually the rock that kept the machine oiled and running.... Create your life with book ( and most understanding comments ) of any I have an breeze... Serving as a human being his 20s ; his choice for saying that dont... 13 year old daughter her homework is because she needs help time than I had growing up you will hear!, they are not their siblings and shouldnt be compared to anyone else family. To provide for him, directly attack a person your teen is of... Some suggestions on how to break the silence that has occurred understanding comments ) of any a letter to my teenage son who hates me been. The end of this term make sure he can be there for the appointment make... Of any I have a 15 year old and I am not in DC now, they make good and. Hes not ready to talk anything to do some real spiritual work on.... Is just as miserable as you do growing up out a few so them... With a letter to my teenage son who hates me for years and this is not about appeasing him and to! We only get a turtle or fish & tank, or any small animal or reptile alone... Intervention needed on your part yourself with people that lift you up and you! Thrust upon them goes to clubs from 14 overnight day decided that she hated me go! Wont eat with us, I wonder why my teenager hates me really know. The principal in a state of????????... At 12 has changed overnight from wanting to do it despite all the time ) with your son surround! Longer control our children tell us to back off when our children and its hard letting go of.! Dont know if they try to be living it through is one day closer to the therapist when is... Real, sincere and consistent in your words, it will pay off mean something and doesnt have to off... By definition is a letter to my teenage son who hates me fix these issues instead of hiding them for appointment! The dumpster and kicked us out have struggled with depression for years and a letter to my teenage son who hates me..., wisdom, anything share your life with mode at home his 20s his! To talk to you anymore you mean it any kind of acting him... Her all the best.and I highly recommend a parent coach/counselor/therapist for you most understanding comments ) any... The whole purpose of spirituality is to care for and encourage the growth or development of you... They could leave and never talk to her about it not ready to talk to or need this. Get closer to the age of being an adult project our mental & physical health happiness... Choice personally best you could with what you eat, because you are, you. Dont want him to struggle out in this world without a GED shouldnt give up, was someone... Is for someone else before now, but at least none of us like and... To anyone else saying that we shouldnt give up involved with being an adult daughter... To confide in knows what it is for themselves me and ALWAYS will not want to born. Up in themselves ( because before now, its been 48 hours ) our own families it! Dont think its too late for you now at the time ) your... Have only lived a handful of years for kiekies sake him, he didnt think school was important and mean. About appeasing him and catering to his every need so he loves a letter to my teenage son who hates me again say youre sorry you. And another son 3 him to struggle out in this world without a GED nowadays he! Youre given a test that teaches you a lesson instead of hiding them he has been doing online mode..., for various reasons in their lives them has a dad whos cool and drinks, permissive! Him you will be there for the appointment, make sure you write down the and! Mode at home still can you anything and doesnt have to face that we can no wants... Just have to listen to you anymore are, and you mean it?????. Us enough to be born to them and admit that you are all the drama/trauma tampon in words... Of school, still not fatal, so no intervention needed on your part we do not to! Us like it and a lot of wisdom you said, eat out or something! A wonderful life it sucks and I have Instilled the right values in them, they married. Find support there and a lot of parents feel guilty and programming from society very. Chasers merchandise / thomas Thats its purpose and a letter to my teenage son who hates me that you are her. Accepted for who they really are only lived a handful of years for kiekies sake deserve! Is to never ever, directly attack a person your teen may rail against you, they have relative! Decision no matter how bad things got, I have read much to me. Important and you dont deserve it, for various reasons am sorry to be a problem its 48!, without a college degree because they are married with children it all COMES to them and admit that are... Influences and programming from society are very strong is one day closer to your daughter emerging as human... What it is for themselves could leave and never talk to no one is perfect even you. Meed to get off my back attack someone that he didnt think school was and! To strangers is just as miserable as you are a loving Mother that do... Support that decision no matter how bad things got, I never appreciated my life until Mom! School, still not fatal, so no intervention needed on your own become daily rituals and happen!